I can't take it anymore. I seriously hope that no one I know still checks this thing. I'm kind of mad at myself for crying last night while thinking about Mike. Unacceptable. Though it was due to the fact that I actually finally admitted that he is beyond my grasp. He has changed and left me behind. And that hurts like hell. And I can't make it stop hurting. 

And while this is happening a semi-friend...not really...has re-entered my life and as always is doing his best to turn mine upside down. He drives me insane. Yet I miss him? No. I miss the good side of him. And for the last how ever months I haven't even seen that side. And he's been so terrible to me lately. Why can't shit just stop hurting? :/ Okay. I don't actually mean that. Hurting is a good sign that you still feel. Feeling is living. I'm okay with hurting.

Back to the friend. I like him. I admit it. A part of me is drawn to him. While another part of me wants to run away. I want to help him. I want him to help me. But that's just false thinking. Because we can only help ourselves. And everyone else is simply going to hinder the process.

I just want to be free. From Mike. From you. From everyone. Let me fly for a while before you try to cage me. If you do that for me then I will sing you beautiful melodies when I let you cage me. But your impatience is making me wary. If you're not willing to wait, you don't deserve to have me in a cage.

I'm currently living in a bubble. A million miles away from everyone I know and enteract with. I'll talk to you about meaningless things but I'll never let you know what's really going on. And i just tried to let you into that bubble. And you made me cry. Like always.

Can I just go live in the middle of fucking nowhere with no human contact at all? Please sign me up.

I feel like it's been ages since I last posted. Though it might just be my mind playing tricks on me. First and foremost, I must get something off my chest.

A week or so ago I was talking with a friend and he told me that not only was a mutual friend of ours in love with him, but that she also said that I really liked him. I played it cool, but inside I was bubbling with rage. Because 1. The mutual friend barely knows me and therefore has no right to be saying anything about how I feel etc. 2. Well duh I like him, we had a flipping threesome together. 3. Somehow I got the feeling that when she said I liked him that she meant I actually wanted more than just what was going on, which could be just faulty assumption on my part, but I will assume none the less. And it pisses me off the most. Maybe if she knew me at all, she'd know that no, I'm not interested in anything other than a good time. Take your commitment and relationships somewhere far away from me. Oh and that's right, did I forget the ex that I'm still grudingly in love with? Tick tock tick to. I've been waiting for that to pass for the last year.

Speaking of the ex. I've been refusing to talk to him for the last few weeks. Not like he usually makes the effort anyway. But he has been making an effort and I don't want to be a bitch and ruin everything by saying, sorry, I can't talk to you, it's kind of killing my "fall out of love with you" progress. One of the most ironic conversations we had was him telling me that he's started drinking again. And I have mixed feelings about this. Because when I met him almost 3 years ago now he was doing some heavy drinking and I was completely against it. That's one of the main reasons I started talking to him actually, because I could see he was in turmoil and I wanted to help. We had our first date on November 15th and I believe he got drunk the following weekend. I was so upset with him that I told him I would not see him again if he continued to drink. And lo and behold, he actually stopped. Because I think I just gave him an incentive to do what he already knew he should do and what he wanted to do. But the other day he messages me and tells me about his fun night. Which, since I'm drinking now I'm not judging him for, still made me worry. I hope his girlfriend is looking out for him.

And then I want to talk about my most recent ex. Who is so impossible. I don't understand him at all. And I don't think he understands himself to begin with. But I must be careful because he has quite the silver tounge and lovely words have a tendancy of making me swoon. Good thing most every time he talks to me he ends up saying something hurtful or is just generally a dick.

All of this stupidness should end. Time to get more cats. Speaking of which...I haven't seen one of my babies for the last few days. I must find him and give him cuddles. Going to a party tonight. Hopefully good times will be had by all.